Growing Together
by Angela Salido
Since I was able to decipher, I began surrounding myself with spiritual people who seek to learn, understand and grow. Surface conversations can be a challenge for me. I prefer to dive right in, connect and know someone’s heart. In 2003, when I began my regular yoga practice, I was overjoyed by the abundance of spiritual seekers I met in the yoga community. Sitting on our mats and falling deep into discussion felt comforting to me. I had found my people.
When I moved to Bend, Oregon in 2008 I immediately began attending all the local studios, auditing the classes to find the practice that spoke to me. I stumbled upon a studio and class that lit me up! I came home glowing and declared “We can stay in Bend, I found yoga!”. My practice and community grew stronger over the years. “Yoga friends” became running partners, mountain biking buddies, confidantes and the community my family celebrated lifes’ joys with. I shared the struggles of being a young mother with no family near by and reconnecting to myself after marriage, motherhood and work. My truths were always met with loving non judgement. The community I became part of in yoga became the safe space where I could be me, just as I was in that moment.
By 2019 just walking into the studio gave me a sense of security and joy. Being surrounded by supportive and loving souls for 3-5 hours a week became a great pool of strength for me to dive into. No matter what was going on in life, my sangha, my yoga community, was there with guidance, wisdom and open ears.
I went through a devastating and quick divorce. My heart was broken and I felt lost, belittled and abandoned. I felt like a failure and that my life was destroyed. 3-4 times a week I showed up to yoga and curled up on my mat in childs pose, crying, just waiting for class to begin so I could move, breathe and release, as I had learned to do through the years. During this time I was met with gracious smiles, big long hugs and looks of knowing. Looks that said “I see you, I know you hurt now, I know you can do this Angela.” My yoga community saw me. They supported me through many of life's ups and downs. In class they witnessed my strong arm balances and deep backbends. They saw me surrender and engage, move, flow and breathe on the mat. My yoga community knew I was capable. They saw that side of me, even before I did.
In that room, in sangha, I wasn’t a failure. In that room, I wasn’t the person I saw in my head - the one who had made a bad life choice and I was ruining my childrens’ lives. Within my community, I was a soul on a journey and so was my husband. Through devastation, I was supported in nonjudgement and encouraged to embrace my journey. I became whole again, balanced and centered.
Asana allowed me to tap into my own source of strength while meditation and pranayama grounded me. As one of my teachers put it, I was a phoenix rising up from the ashes. In the safe walls of the yoga studio, I shed my heartache and walked off my mat feeling a little stronger and standing a little taller each time. My yoga community held me and reminded me that I am growing, I am on a journey and I am loved just as I am.
In January 2020 life felt hopeful. Moving forward, I was ready to expand and grow personally. I was alive, woke, and serenely powerful. Then, on January 21st I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer. The first person I called was the center of my yoga community. My teacher and dearest friend Rebecca (https://www.instagram.com/rebeccabellyoga/?hl=en). My yoga community rallied around me. Calling me, organizing a food train, and holding me in the bathroom before class as I cried. I had long wavy dark brown hair that was often in a wild knot on the top of my head. My hair, for better or worse, was part of me. The first place I revealed my balding shaved head was the safest place I knew, the yoga studio.
My community surrounded me, smiling, rubbing my head and reminding me of the strength and ease they knew existed within me. When doctors and friends suggested I get a wig I knew I couldn’t practice yoga in it. I couldn’t twist, flow, jump, play and get upside down. So what was the point? I was going to shed my hair, shed a layer of my perceived beauty and reveal a deeper side of myself.
The cancer survivors in my yoga sangha quickly became my cancer guides. I was shocked at how many there were and was overjoyed by their outpouring of grace, connecting me to doctors, naturopaths, acupuncturists, reminding me to breathe and even dropping off CBD cream at my house when the chemo pain was unbearable. Before my diagnosis, these women weren’t my close friends. We had a relationship on our mats that translated to hugs when we saw each other in the community and an unspoken knowing. A knowing that said, “Hey, I got you. I see you. We sweat, move, breathe, pray, meditate, chant, learn, cry and laugh together. It doesn’t stop there, it moves beyond the mat.” We were sangha.
A woman I laid my mat near for years was a breast cancer survivor. We knew each other's name and always greeted each other warmly. I watched her in class. She glowed, she moved with grace and she smiled brightly. To me, Stephanie embodied beauty. Deep beauty, the kind that grows inside and can’t help but shine outward. She was on the other side of cancer. I reached out to her, she had already heard of my diagnosis and was patiently waiting for me to be ready to call upon her. Immediately she responded. We met for tea and her words set the foundation of growth and courage that I needed for my journey.
She told me that there was a reason cancer came to me. It was time I woke up and shed the pain I had been holding. It was time to grow, quicker and bigger than I ever imagined. I would become better through cancer, she explained, I was on my journey to my truest self.
The next day at yoga, another woman that had heard of my diagnosis shared her story with me. She invited me to a women's cancer support group after class. She waited for me after yoga, personally escorted me to the group and sat close to me the entire time, checking in with her smiles. Seeing these vibrant women in class for years and now hearing their stories and feeling their support created a deep well of courage for me. Along the way one of them told me this was temporary, I would move through this. That became my mantra “This is temporary Angela, you are growing, you can do this.”
It was my yoga community that rallied around me and created a firm arm of my cancer care team. As yogi’s do, they gave me words of wisdom, strength and encouragement that I leaned on throughout my cancer treatment, and lean on still:
Your asana practice, your mediation, your pranayama was all to prepare you for this moment. Now it is time to do the real work of yoga. You can do this.
My breath and spiritual practice carried me through cancer. Knowing the power of my positive thoughts, I relied on them as part of my healing medicine.
COVID hit and deep hugs in the yoga studio turned to zoom practice, text messages of encouragement, socially-distanced walks and talks in my front yard. My body changed. It grew tired and painful. I didn’t have the strength to sign into class regularly but I still logged in as much as I could to hear my teacher’s voice, see the smiling faces I have sat next to for twelve years and connect with my sangha and in that community, connect with a vital piece of myself.
Today I wonder if I’ll ever pop up into challenging poses as I once did. Will I feel the top of my head with the bottom of my feet again? More importantly, when will I sit on a mat in a warm, dimly lit room and look into the person's eye next to me and say to them, without words, “I see you, I know you can do this my friend.” I crave that close connection.
In the meantime, as we have all along, we are all doing the work we have been preparing for. Growing, learning and sharing our journey. As my yoga community ebbs and flows through distance, I feel a greater opportunity for growth together. To learn from each other, teach each other, and love each other, just as we are today.
Angela Salido has been practicing yoga since 2003. She is a devoted yogini, mother, and lover of the outdoors. She lives in Bend, Oregon with her two children and is a small business owner of an outdoor lifestyle shop, Outside In (www.outsideinbend.com). Angela completed cancer treatment in August 2020. Her cancer is in remission.
